My Queer Liberation is Anti-colonial Struggle

Transphobia, hate crime, gaslight, dehumanization, genocide, and *points to self* this Arab trans has agency and can determine their own life.

Those are the trigger warnings.

Why I'm here? Last year in August 2023, there was a split-second difference between my being here to talk about it, and my being just a name on a list in last year's Trans Day of Rememberance (TDoR); I don't even think I'd have been registered as a victim of a transphobic hate crime; sighs in steadfastness.

August 2023 was 9 months after I arrived to Germany and started studying at Uni Leipzig, I lived in a 2 bedroom apartment in the student dorms. On one morning, I was in the apartment's super tiny kitchen, making breakfast. My flatmate was also there. There were also previous 9 months of queerphobia and psychological terror leading up to this moment. There was a knife, there was his breath touching my face and his scent invading my nose, that I'll never forget. A scent that for 9 months was how I knew he's around. But that's not what I want to talk about.

Us trans and queers understand dehumanization very well.

What happened after was also violent. Moments of violence piling up, whererin I couldn't differentiate between my lived dehumanization and my lifeless corpse being poked with a stick. 

But I also don't want to talk about how the police dismissed and denied my narrating of it in an unshaky language I know and trust. Or how the landlord, who's hired by the Studentenwerk, was annoyed that I didn't coordinate with my murderer to clean up the apartment. I failed to work with my murderer to clean up that tiny kitchen, where the walls would have been painted with my blood. So I signed my name to pay a fine. Nah let's not talk about that.

And certainly let's not talk about how, shortly after, my nose recognized that scent worn by a colleague at a job I was so fucking glad I found. My nose couldn't work with that scent and my nervous system decided to quit the job. A decision that is still affecting me up to this very moment.

Or how about the Studentenwerk itself, when later I was asking for support and they looked at my paper trail that resulted out of that August day and accused me of foul play. Nah.

I don't want to talk about the psychiatrist who —it's super fucking hard to find one already, and harder still for transition, right? and my first session with him was one or two weeks before that August day— that psychiatrist who, at the end of our 2nd session, told me I'm too stubborn to work with; that I'll have to look somewhere else for my transition.

'Stubborn' here was a code for, "how dare I, brown monkey, to expose your ignorance and racism on transgender and neurodivergence."

I don't want to talk about that.

How about that when I finally got my indikation and a first appointment with a gyno, I did not go because of others' previous racist experiences with that gyno directly and the heavy AfD presence in the clinic's area, and the appointment came at a time where I was in the protest camp. I felt too proud to not put off my daily duties here and too damn empowered to not take off my kuffiya just to go there and hope for a good time with AfD and racist medical personnel. I didn't want to go pander to the white German just to be handed what is rightfully mine.

No. No, I just want to mention how my first day taking estrogen was documented. It was documented by a fascist I was blocking his view from taking close up pictures of my community's faces at a pro-Palestine demo in Halle, and I looked absolutely badass in that photo.

My friends, who we no longer friends after Oct 7, would they have been the ones to put me on the list of last year's TDoR and inform my community that I was gone?

Those friends, who while I'm alive, told me, "If you were in Gaza now, you would get thrown off a roof." They said that while we see existing videos of zionist terrorists throwing Palestinians off roofs.

For all their accusations to us, there are video proofs and documentations of western-backed terrorism doing exactly that and more.

We believe victims, but we don't believe empires.

My reaction to that friend back then was my being horrified: my German trans friend does not consider queerness as a human trait but as a white trait. The adjective 'queer' is a bone they choose to throw at me from their table: of course as long as I put myself on a leash and submit.
No. If I were in Gaza, I'd be part of the resistance. This trans Arab wants to be very clear on this: you deny me 'trans Arab', so I'm telling you I'm also Arab trans.

All the friends I have now aren't the ones who saw me during my first 9 months. I realize now that this was taking a heavy toll on me. My friends now weren't the ones who held me tight as I howled in tears and disbelief. I still do not know if I was sobbing because how little close it was to my death or because I was still alive.

As if I was not supposed to witness this escalating cruelty; as if I was being punished for surviving.

I don't want to talk about how .. sometimes .. I feel I don't deserve my current safe space and support network because I'm using up space and resources that others need, and I was supposed to be dead.

My thoughts and drive since then was built on the belief that I was lucked into this privilege. I must be loud for others because how could I not? The alternative to my benefit of this privilege was my being dead. Killed and forgotten.

I don't want to talk about how when my now friends vent out about all the hate, the violent rhetoric, and being worried for the future, what's on my mind is that I wasn't supposed to be here to hold my friend tight as they cried. But I'm here and I've to make up for my existence.

My community exchanges energy that gets passed around and charges up: enough energy to move mountains.

Talking through the western lens about the state of trans and queer rights in the SWANA region does not give a breathing room to all of my lived experiences:

• Western lens does not see my dad telling me he loves my painted nails while we were all preparing for my sister's wedding, and my oldest sister is asking him how is he okay with it, and my dad and I, we just roll our eyes at her.

• Western lens does not hear strangers, friends and family members who I never came out to, but they gender me correctly just based on how I gender myself, and it does not become the center of our interaction; because us queer Arabs have 1st person ownership over gender. The 2nd and the 3rd persons take reference from us. 

• Western lens does not register my trans and queer Egyptian siblings being part of the Egyptian Intifada 2011, facing US-made expired tear gas, pellets, rubber and live bullets and organizing intimate spaces to talk queer theory and liberation, before the government, with Western support, imposed yet another set of imperial capitalist regulations and measures that took away our safe queer spaces and choked out the flame of revolution. 

• Western lens does not grasp my trans joy when elder Palestinian men, here in pro-Palestine protests and in Eisi, hug me and tell me that I'm loved. The owner of Syrian Bistro approached me to strike up a conversation on kuffiyahs and to assure me that beautiful people like myself can also come from our region. 

• Western lens will never be forgiven for that on my 5th day of mourning Sarah Hegazi in 2020, that's when I decided to consciously revisit the term 'queer' for myself, and to re-explore once again as before; vowing justice for all of my siblings.
  

And more and more that the colonial lens fails at. Don't ask me why I picked those specific lived experiences. If I picked any other, you'd still ask me the same. Get over it.

Our self-criticism is weaponized against us. Our pride became a western endowment; we hide our queer & trans rights discourse from western queers, we confide it to amongst ourselves, just us queer Arabs; behind closed doors. Our pride is in our intimacy; directed within and diminishes outwards. But no. We are proud externals.

Self-criticism is weaponized for colonial violence to subjugate us to your homo-nationalistic queer culture and representation.

My queer friends with Muslim background can't publicly process religion-trauma, a right assumed to western queers with a Christian background. My friends can't do that without ringing alarms of Islamophobia coming from within and from the outside.

My queer Arab friends can't publicly process Sarah's death. I know others I can't name; they hugged me well and got taken away from us.

My now two years here in Germany is a process of dehumanization. I was ambushed into deciding for myself to be a function of dedication towards uplifting my community and not a whole person with mundane desires and low-key activities and boring days.

Fuck that. I own my function and we will win.

Western queer and trans rights speak of the kids; save the trans kids.

Be honest with yourself: What image does the word 'kid' only invoke in you? The image of a white kid.

The implicit fact that trans kids are being bombed, shredded into pieces, sniped to the head, burned alive and left to rot, is never entertained; exploited in the mines of Congo and starved in Sudan.

We speak here of the abstract trans kid we want to see growing up when we talk about kids, late coming-outs, and chronically in the closet, but deny an entire ethnicity of it. An ethnicity full of queer pride, joy and defiance LONG before your civilization came to us, and called us savages for being queer. Our history is distorted and surgically deformed to get us where we at now in the SWANA region. You colonized us, with the justification of queerphobic supremacy over our sexual deviancy and gender-bendiness. Now you claim your superiority over our bombed, exploited, and imperialized struggle for bare minimum of existence. How dare you?!

The danger of condemning an entire fucking civilization as not just non-queer but an antithesis to being queer is consenting to commit genocides.

You don't include us in your world view; you advocate for yourself to be seen as you, as a human, and in the same breath, you deny us those same arguments that supposedly apply to every human.

I want to talk about the 'queer way', like why are we waiting for endowments? Why we don't have authority? I want to talk about defiance to authority; I want to talk about self-determination; I want to talk about having agency; I want to talk about Queer Liberation.

In a previous iteration of peak German impunity, the early pictures of Nazi book burnings were of the Institute's for Sexual Science.
Hope is a dangerous thing. They all everywhere intimidate us into believing so.

If we don't lose a space where we can be the creators and seekers of our knowledge over our own bodies, thoughts, desires and fantasies, how would resistance to imperialism, fascism and concentration camps manifest? How would pandemics play out? Who would care about the early detected cases and raise the alarm? Who wouldn't allow queer people to ever think that they deserve less? How would we decolonize mental health and imagine disability justice, climate justice, social justice, and so much more?

I strongly imagine that the 'who' and 'how' will always be our community and our spaces.

And I firmly know that we are in an emergency: you have to stand with us now, so we can stand together; strong, defiant and magnificent to crush colonialism, fascism and nazi marches.

[1] Arwa Saleh. The Stillborn : Notebooks of a Woman from the Student-Movement Generation in Egypt. Translated by Samah Selim, Seagull Books, 2018.
[2] Sinno, Hamed. “H.Sinno 🐝 on Instagram: ‘You Can Keep Your Skittles.’” Instagram, 15 Nov. 2023, www.instagram.com/hamed.sinno/p/CzrEwenru_U/. Accessed 21 Nov. 2024.


[3] شريكة ولكن. “نساء على خط الجبهة.. فدائيات قاتلن الاحتلال.” Instagram, 10 Nov. 2023, www.instagram.com/p/Czdpgz2IBCd/. Accessed 25 Nov. 2024.
[4] الطرزي, سلمى. “مستقبل الحراك النسوي في المنطقة.” Jeem.me, 12 Sept. 2024, jeem.me/society/1310. Accessed 25 Nov. 2024.


[5] “Palestinian Women in Resistance against Israeli Occupation.” Anadolu Ajansı, 2021, www.aa.com.tr/en/pg/photo-gallery/palestinian-women-in-resistance-against-israeli-occupation. Accessed 25 Nov. 2024.
[6] BAZARRNA. “Comrade Sisters: Women and Armed Resistance in Palestine -1947.” Bazarrna, 11 Dec. 2023, bazarrna.com/comrade-sisters-women-and-armed-resistance-in-palestine/. Accessed 25 Nov. 2024.
[7] Alsaafin, Linah. “Radical Lives: Moheba Khorsheed.” Novara Media, 24 Nov. 2014, novaramedia.com/2014/11/24/radical-lives-moheba-khorsheed/.

[8] Kohl Journal مجلة كحل. “A Feminist Manifesto: Anti-Colonialism Is a Feminist Issue.” Instagram, 14 Oct. 2023, www.instagram.com/kohljournal/p/CyY-X-YMfrE/. Accessed 21 Nov. 2024.

[9] Fakhouri, Maria. “Queer as in Freedom for My Sisters. Queer as in Lineages of Resistance. 🍉🤍🪻".” Instagram, 17 Nov. 2024, www.instagram.com/mar._unfiltered/p/DCc_J32J43s/. Accessed 22 Nov. 2024.

[10] Pride for Sarah Hegazi. Instagram, 16 June 2021, www.instagram.com/pride.for.sarah.hegazi/p/CQLYx0hHpG_/. Accessed 22 Nov. 2024.

[11] G., Hazem. “Can the Queers Mourn the Assassination of Hasan Nasrallah?” My Kali Magazine, 4 Nov. 2024, wp.mykalimag.com/en/2024/11/04/can-the-queers-mourn-the-assassination-of-hasan-nasrallah/. Accessed 25 Nov. 2024.
Hiba Moustafa translated it into Arabic: https://shorturl.at/4o54L

[12] Statement from Union of Teachers and Employees of Birzeit University, Palestine. “We Are All Palestinians.” Instagram, Kohl Journal, 12 Oct. 2023, www.instagram.com/kohljournal/p/CyTZH1FMlCA/. Accessed 21 Nov. 2024.
[13] Podur, Justin. “Yahya Sinwar Wrote His Own Story.” The Electronic Intifada, 21 Oct. 2024, electronicintifada.net/content/yahya-sinwar-wrote-his-own-story/49536. Accessed 25 Nov. 2024.

[14] Sharika wa Laken. “The Enemy’s Purplewashing: Occupation Female Soldiers versus Female Landowners.” Instagram, 24 Oct. 2023, www.instagram.com/sharikawalaken/p/Cyx4CD7oqRO/. Accessed 22 Nov. 2024.
[15] ---. “The Role of Women in Terrorism: A Case Study of Israeli Women Soldiers.” Instagram, 12 Feb. 2024, www.instagram.com/sharikawalaken/p/C3PwnIGNLhU/. Accessed 21 Nov. 2024.
[16] ---. “Intentional Reproductive Genocide in Gaza.” Instagram, 14 Nov. 2023, www.instagram.com/sharikawalaken/p/CznuWoXA3ig/. Accessed 22 Nov. 2024.
[17] ---. “Sexualizing Genocide: A Zionist Weapon.” Instagram, 5 Mar. 2024, www.instagram.com/sharikawalaken/p/C4IWTSbNfR1/. Accessed 21 Nov. 2024.
[18] ---. “Tears of White Imperialist Feminists over Oscar Snub rather than Gazan Blood.” Instagram, 2020, www.instagram.com/sharikawalaken/p/C2htTluoywM/. Accessed 25 Jan. 2024.
[19] ---. “They Condemn Slaughtering Women & Children. What about Men?” Instagram, 30 Oct. 2023, www.instagram.com/sharikawalaken/p/CzA_QrHtwKW/. Accessed 21 Nov. 2024.

[20] ---. “‘The Free World’, a History of Colonialism, Genocide, and Plunder.” Instagram, 26 Nov. 2023, www.instagram.com/sharikawalaken/p/C0Hojxit7Gq/. Accessed 22 Nov. 2024.

[21] ---. “79 Years since the Liberation of the Jews from the Holocaust.. Racism Continues to Shape Ethnic Cleansing.” Instagram, 4 Feb. 2024, www.instagram.com/sharikawalaken/p/C27kkLftXKB/. Accessed 22 Nov. 2024.

[22] ---. “This Colonial Appendix Remains Illegitimate until the End of Time.” Instagram.com, 3 Nov. 2023, www.instagram.com/p/CzMPZaRtX-Q/. Accessed 25 Nov. 2024.

[23] The Written Resistance. “Issue #5: Study the Past, Forge the Future.” Nationalsjp.org, National Students for Justice in Palestine, Oct. 2024, drive.google.com/file/d/1z_Wwx-xdhUYWIBRopFgIeiphpOSW10fw/view. Accessed 25 Nov. 2024.

[24] DAM. JASADIK-HOM (Your Body of Theirs). 8 Mar. 2019, www.youtube.com/watch?v=YNLYjZmRx0Q.
[25] ---. DATHIRUNI. 17 Sept. 2019, youtu.be/MbA2vSoQeTA?si=470_oVhdY1svk9mO.

[26] Here4TheKids, and Amanda Gelender. “Jewish ‘Anti-Zionists’ – Stop Throwing the Palestinian Armed Resistance under the Bus.” Substack.com, The Connections, 24 Sept. 2024, theconnections.substack.com/p/jewish-anti-zionists-stop-throwing?r=1gvyi2. Accessed 25 Nov. 2024.

[27] grassroots movement. “Act-For-Pal – Academic Action Network for Palestine.” Actforpal.com, www.actforpal.com/. Accessed 25 Nov. 2024.

[28] Go Film the Police. “A Street Action Guide for Germany.” Gofilmthepolice.de, Feb. 2023, www.gofilmthepolice.de/go-film-the-police-guide-german-context/. Accessed 25 Nov. 2024.

Bring Palestinian voices to https://cripplemedia.com/:

[29] Sharika Wa Laken. “Compounded War against Marginalized Groups in Gaza.” Sharika Walaken, 18 Jan. 2024, en.sharikawalaken.media/compounded-war-against-marginalized-groups-in-gaza/. Accessed 25 Nov. 2024.

[30] Hegazi, Sarah. “Sarah Hegazi’s Diaries: Written in Al-Qanater Prison, 2017.” Instagram, 2017, www.instagram.com/p/CFFE0O0nyr6/. Accessed 26 Nov. 2024.
       in Arabic: https://www.instagram.com/p/CFjx0BfHiIJ/